


we'll welcome the new age covered in warrior paint

by gyeomtriever (yerims)



Category: GOT7
Genre: Child!Yugyeom, Gen, M/M, T___T im sorry, childhood cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 10:25:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18871306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yerims/pseuds/gyeomtriever
Summary: in the moments jaebum has before he has to let go, there is always happiness.





	we'll welcome the new age covered in warrior paint

**Author's Note:**

> unpolished, but i havent been writing in a while so we're trying our Best. really
> 
> inspired by ro, who is still missed   
>  please take note of the tags. it's not an easy read ;;   
>  ive missed you!!!! truly, i have.

  1. hands



the child’s hands are always cold now. it’s so starkly different from the warm bounding ball of energy that he is—it makes jaebum frown. 

“how’s your tummy feeling?” he asks, pulling the blanket up till it reaches the boy’s chin. yugyeom whines softly and tugs it back down—and jaebum knows he’s just being fussy now. 

“you’ll feel better soon,” he promises, nudging yugyeom’s fist to release the tight grasp it has on the blanket. slowly, the boy relents, and jaebum pulls it back up.

“when you’re all better, i’ll bring you for ice cream, okay?”

yugyeom nods weakly, and jaebum’s heart aches. it never gets easier seeing him in pain, no matter how often it happens. yugyeom’s condition hasn’t been improving much at all. it makes jaebum resentful, because it’s not fair. it’s not fair that the four-year-old spends most of his days stuck in the hospital, away from the friends he should be making. it’s not fair he doesn’t understand why his hair is falling, or why his parents can barely crack a genuine smile around him anymore. it’s not fair that he has so much planned for his days—from soccer to dance—but they always end up cancelled because his body cannot cooperate enough even just  _once._

unregulated, the bitterness brews within jaebum. because while yugyeom doesn’t know, or comprehend—jaebum does. jaebum knows mortality, and loss. he knows yugyeom deserves a long healthy life to feel sunshine under his feet and spread the kindness that he has. jaebum knows—and it makes everything worse.

he spends the next hour or so holding the child’s hands in his own, enveloping the tiny ones in his own, hoping to warm him up. more so, it serves as a reminder he’s still here, within his reach, in his protection. better than anyone else, jaebum knows there’ll come a day he’ll have to let go—but while the kid fights, jaebum fights with him. he refuses to give up.

soon the door clicks open, but even with his back facing it, jaebum can tell who it is by the gentle footfalls that enter. it’s a comforting sound; it reminds him of coming home.

“hey,” jinyoung whispers, voice settling like a warm cup of coffee against the cold blast of the air-conditioner. jaebum gives him a smile—it’s weak, and it’s so, _so_ tired—but it’s sincere.

jinyoung bends to peck a soft kiss on jaebum’s cheek, then he shrugs his coat off. gently thumbing unruly strands of hair out of the child’s face, he asks, “how is he?”

“chemo was alright today,” jaebum just says. “his stomach wasn’t well again afterwards—but they’d given him something for it.”

jinyoung nods.

“you should rest,” he says. “i’ll be here if he wakes early.”

jaebum sighs. he wants to protest, not ready to let go. when jinyoung’s concerned eyes meet his, though, jaebum’s mouth runs dry. jinyoung looks so tender—it makes a knot in his gut unclench; it makes jaebum feel forgiven.

“just a while,” he concedes, finally unwrapping the child’s hands from his. there are marks around the tiny fists—evidence of the tightness at which he’d been held. jinyoung smiles and beckons him towards the couch at the back of the room. he doesn’t miss jaebum snatching his coat to wrap himself in even though he'd brought his own.

“hyung, just sleep,” jinyoung says when he catches jaebum’s eyes peering open for the third time to watch them. it’s less so out of worry—but more of… _content_. it’s almost sickening, how easy and normal it feels now with jinyoung by yugyeom’s hospital bedside, two of jaebum’s most prized people spending afternoon after afternoon enclosed by sickly plain walls and the horrible smell of disinfectant.

“i can’t lose any of you,” jaebum suddenly confesses, voice soft and vulnerable. the words almost get lost in the distance, but jinyoung catches them. he doesn’t look away.

“you won’t,” he whispers back. yugyeom stirs for a bit, tiny body shifting till he gets comfortable again, a foot now peeking out from under the sheets.

jinyoung reaches to pull the blanket back over it, and he can’t help but smile when yugyeom jerks his foot back instinctively when jinyoung brushes it on accident. he pets yugyeom gently then, soothing him back into a comfortable slumber.

when he turns again, jaebum’s eyes had closed, but jinyoung doesn’t miss the slight upward curl of his lips.

 

  1. sleeve 



last time jinyoung checked, sleeves were meant for covering one’s arms, not… smacking each other.

yugyeom and jaebum evidently do not understand that, though, jinyoung realises, as the two brothers go at each other for yet another round. yugyeom’s giggles fill the room excitably as he scores a hit against jaebum.

jaebum groans dramatically and pretends to fall—and yugyeom giggles even harder but not without leaning precariously over the edge of the bed to check on the other.

“i’ve been wounded, yugyeom ah,” jaebum wails, “will you help hyung out?”

yugyeom sticks his tongue between his small teeth in thought, and jinyoung laughs seeing it poke through his lips. “okay, hyung!” he agrees easily, and extends a hand downwards.

jaebum rolls the child’s sleeve up proper now and grabs his hand in playful gratitude. “you’re the best little brother ever, huh,” he grins, reaching to scoop the boy into his arms instead.

“i am!” yugyeom agrees again.

“okay, you two,” jinyoung crouches down to level with them who were still on the floor. “are you ready to go?”

“yessssssssssss,” yugyeom laughs, struggling against jaebum’s grasp in an attempt to run to jinyoung now. jaebum doesn’t let up, though, and jinyoung pretends to attack him.

“here, let’s get your coat on,” jinyoung orders, opening the boy’s puffy coat up for him to slide himself in. he’s already wrapped under an undershirt and a sweater that somehow grew too big on him hence the sweater paws (weapons, jinyoung will lament when _he_ gets smacked for the fifth time that day), but the weather is unforgiving and yugyeom’s low immunity was not helping.

the boy grumbles but complies anyway, and it reminds jinyoung of jaebum.

“okay, put on your gloves, baby,” jaebum reminds, while jinyoung bundles him a scarf, for precaution. by the time he’d got his boots on, he’d looked quite funny, like... a literal _fluff ball_. yugyeom was _not_ impressed—but jaebum had gotten them all matching beanies, which coaxed the complaints away as easy as they came.

“to the park, yeah, buddy?” jaebum smiles, adjusting the beanie on the boy’s head. he’s losing hair more rapidly now, jaebum realises. his eyelashes aren’t quite as thick and long as he remembers them too. it makes an ugly part of jaebum claw at him from the inside.

“so handsome,” he says anyway, and the smile yugyeom flashes makes it worth it.

 

  1. rescue



jaebum tries to be everything yugyeom needs him to be. their parents throw their lives back to work after finding out of yugyeom’s illness—to earn the money they need, or to avoid seeing what they couldn’t stop. jaebum wishes he didn’t have to know what an oncologist was. he’d never been one to know big words; that’d always been more of jinyoung’s thing.

some days he blamed god, and others his mother. he blamed the doctors, then his grandmother, because cancer took her away, _too_. maybe if she had been strong enough to fight it, she wouldn’t have left the diseased genes close enough to mess with his brother. maybe if their mother had done better—cared better—maybe yugyeom would have been just alright. maybe.

it’s hard, he used to think, but now he realises it’s downright terrifying. he’d never been so drained, so defeated, that he’s ready to give any upper divinity a call, to take him away, too. it’s an ugly thought—one so heartless it’s not right—but he genuinely doesn’t know how much longer he can hold on to any of this.

shakily, he grabs the kleenex, and rubs the blood of his hands. there’s a lot of it—more on the floor, more on yugyeom’s pyjamas. the boy was falling back asleep against his will. it’d been a tough night; yugyeom caught a persistent nosebleed that landed them back in the hospital. they’d taken tests, did a transfusion, and it tired him out very much, not helping to his already grouchy state. 

by the end of it all, he was screaming and wailing in the worst possible way. jaebum knew it was probably the discomfort of it all that triggered the meltdown—which he cannot decide if makes it better or worse. yugyeom hadn’t wanted jaebum anywhere near him—there was too much pain and anger in his little body that had nowhere to go. he’s four, and he doesn’t know why any of it is happening. he takes out his frustrations on the nearest body next to him, and that is usually jaebum. it makes jaebum cry with him.

jaebum finally gets most of the blood off—though the residual stickiness clings. he can’t bring himself to get up even to wash them clean, can’t trust his legs not to wobble or give up on him now. so he just rests his head against the back of the cheap plastic seat and wills himself to stop the tears.

in his back pocket, his phone vibrates. jaebum’s first thought flies to jinyoung—and it brings on another wave of choked tears.

clumsily, he fishes it out. the screen blurs between the tears clouding his vision, but jaebum still catches on the message from jinyoung.

“i’m on my way, hyung. wait for me.”

 

  1. train 



jaebum hadn’t wanted yugyeom anywhere near the crowd of the metro stations, but he’s always weak for the child’s demands, so they settle for a compromise.

meaning, it’s 11pm, the trains are pretty emptied out, and they wait.

yugyeom totters along the side of the tracks, never trailing far from jaebum’s and jinyoung’s watchful eyes. they’re not going anywhere. yugyeom had just wanted to watch the trains come and go. 

“hyunggg,” yugyeom calls, voice muffled from under his face mask. “where does this go to?” he points to a train that has just arrived at the station.

“gangnam,” jaebum answers.

“i wanna go,” yugyeom says, eyeing the train doors. 

“don’t you dare, mister,” jaebum threatens, though he doesn’t so much leave his seat. they know yugyeom wouldn’t actually dare to run off anywhere far. he’d always been easily frightened without his brother around.

jinyoung chuckles at the kid’s antics as he nuzzles his head in the crook of jaebum’s neck. yugyeom goes back to wandering as the train takes off again. he watches the scattered people that leave with curiosity—then gets distracted when another train arrives on the opposite track. 

“insufferable,” jaebum complains, “he’s insufferable. i’d much rather be asleep than be people watching at the metro station.”

“he gets these habits from you,” jinyoung laughs, and jaebum feels every shake of the deep breathy laughter against his body.

against the platform screen doors, jaebum stares at their reflection. it’s just the two of them in this empty station—and their little rascal who skips along with the thundering movements of the carriages. in between the moments of buzzing chaos, there’s always a few minutes of respite—and it’s nice, jaebum thinks, just them, like that.

“i wanna go to gangnam,” yugyeom announces again, this time while climbing up jinyoung’s lap. “let’s go to gangnam. let’s go, hyungs.”

“it’s close to 12, yugyeom ah.”

“ _so?_ i’m awake!” 

“the shops aren’t, though,” jinyoung reasons, removing the beanie off the boy when yugyeom tries but fails to pull it off. “another day, baby?”

yugyeom pouts, then sulks. he squishes his face into jaebum’s chest after gracelessly scooting over to his brother, dirty boots kicking and pressing all over his jeans.

“but i wanna take the train,” he says softly. it’s not the voice of a kid about to throw a tantrum, jaebum realises, but one who’s… disappointed. and jaebum knows it’s rare they get days like this—when yugyeom isn’t sick half the day, or stuck receiving another round of jabs and treatment. they don’t know when the next time would be that they could bring him out again. with that heavy thought, jaebum sighs.

jinyoung squeezes his hand—and gives him a small smile. “if you want to,” he mouths, eyeing the kid still limp and upset in jaebum’s arms. he’s tired himself—but he could do a train ride or two. 

“alright,” jaebum surrenders, pulling yugyeom’s face away from his chest. “how about we ride the train to gangnam, then we ride it back? 

yugyeom looks dubious for a second—before a big cheesy grin forms, and he throws his arms around jaebum’s neck.

“you’re the best, hyung!” he squeals, and jaebum laughs as he noses the kid’s face away from where his hair was tickling his neck.

“come on, kiddo,” he urges, as jinyoung rearranges the beanie and scarf on the child. “we have a train to catch.”

 

  1. time



time is fleeting; time is not real. some days jaebum curls up on himself and wonder where all the time went—because most days it feels like it takes its own sweet time to move, but every now and then jaebum wakes and realises it’s been years since the last big thing he remembers.

“hyung,” the voice is rough, freshly awoken. jinyoung is always a grouch in the mornings—which only makes it better. “you’re up?”

jaebum shifts under the sheets till he presses himself closer to jinyoung’s body. it’s warm and familiar, like he remembers after all these years.

“go back to sleep, nyeong,” he says, “we don’t have to wake yet.” 

jinyoung gladly doesn’t protest—and it’s not long before his breaths even out in his slumber. jaebum holds him close. it’s not one of those days, or at least he tells himself it doesn’t have to be. he woke up missing his brother more than usual—feeling the emptiness amplified without the kid screaming or cackling into his ear.

it’s jarring.

jinyoung’s breaths are soft and slow in his arms. he’d kept his side of the promise; he was there on every step of the way. he was beside him when jaebum had to say goodbye to a child taking his last breath; he was there when jaebum broke down in loud, guttural sobs seeing the little body enclosed in a pretty white box. jaebum felt like a monster—filled to the brim with so much desperation and anger he couldn’t contain. even today, he is upset. he misses his brother. he thinks he’s a worse person now.

jinyoung nuzzles himself closer to the heat from jaebum’s bare chest. it’s terrible, jaebum thinks, having have someone so _good_ , so lovely. it makes his ugliest sides surface, because jinyoung’s kindness only eggs it out. jaebum spends most of his years wondering how he deserves someone like jinyoung, but he could never let him go. 

let him be selfish, just this once.

“hyung?” jinyoung murmurs, eyes bleary. “why aren’t you sleeping. i can hear you thinking.”

jaebum huffs laughingly. “just… you,” he says, “and how i love you.” 

jinyoung sighs in content, smile peeking even if his eyes are closed. “i know,” he says. “i love you too.”

jaebum smiles, fingers weaving through jinyoung’s dark locks. “yugyeomie… he’d turn seven today.”

jinyoung’s eyes crack open again. he looks at jaebum sadly. even after all this time, there’s never really a good thing to say.

“i’m okay,” jaebum assures, “just… you know.”

“yeah,” jinyoung says, and his eyes don’t leave jaebum’s ones.

they lie in silence for a bit then. some days it takes an hour, others, eight. there is never enough time, jaebum realises, to feel better. but he also realises there is only so much to treasure before you lose—so each moment with jinyoung he keeps close to him, _precious_.

there’s a time for letting go—but right now, with jinyoung by his side... he refuses.

 

**fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ♡ i hope it was okay. i'd love to hear from you


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